There comes a time in any journey where we feel like we’ve slowed down, or that we’re stuck altogether, and the same goes for kink. If you feel as though you’ve not been enjoying your BDSM experiences as much lately, or that you don’t feel as inclined to play around with kink in your sex life, then it could be a sign that you’ve hit a plateau.
But all hope isn’t lost. This doesn’t mean that kink isn’t for you anymore, it simply means you may be going through a period of growth and change, which is totally normal throughout your kink journey. Here, I’ve listed 5 signs that your kink journey may have hit a plateau and more importantly, what to do about it!
A fantasy you once enjoyed just doesn’t seem to do it for you anymore
This one sounds kind of obvious, but so many people find a fantasy they really enjoy and assume this is the way things have to be forever. But variety is the spice of life, and so if there’s one particular fantasy you’ve been living out pretty much every time you have sex, it could be time to shake it up!
Just as with anything, we can become bored and desensitised over time, just like when we hear a song we love and listen to it on repeat for so long that we start to despise it, the same goes for fantasies. While I appreciate for some people a fantasy or fetish is a non-negotiable when it comes to having great sex, the key is to get creative in how you incorporate that fantasy into your scenes/sex/daily life.
To move through this feeling, try changing up different elements of the fantasy such as your physical environment, the time of day, or other variables. You may find all you needed was a little injection of creativity and imagination to bring that fantasy back to life. However, if you’re still feeling resistance, perhaps it’s time to re-visit your desires and start exploring new things. Your new favourite fantasy might be one you never expected!
Your kinky responsibilities feel like a chore
If you’re in a D/s relationship or power exchange dynamic, a common sign you’ve hit a plateau is that you find keeping up your side of the exchange draining. If you’re a submissive who finds following their current rules and completing tasks a chore, then it’s time to take another look at your dynamic. Equally, the same goes for Dominants. If you’re not feeling the excitement of your submissive completing the tasks you’ve set them, or you’re not interested in keeping track of whether they’re following the rules or not, then you both need to sit down and reflect on why this is.
It’s important to check in at regular intervals to reassess your dynamic to make sure you’re both getting the most out of it. As you grow and evolve together your dynamic will shift, meaning you need to both be self-aware and confident enough to speak up when something isn’t feeling right to you. In some cases, you may have outgrown the person altogether, but most of the time it’s about making a few tweaks and changes to your dynamic to keep it fresh. It’s very easy to get comfortable with someone, and while this feels nice for a while, ultimately, we can get bored. Make sure you’re always challenging yourself and your partner to continue to have the most pleasurable experiences.
You’re experiencing drop more frequently
If you find you’re experiencing sub or top drop more frequently than usual, then this is not something to ignore. There could be many different reasons why you’re experiencing drop, such as trying something new that pushes your limits and boundaries, OR it could be because the kinky activities you’re experiencing no longer feel in alignment with your desires.
Whenever anyone experiences drop it’s important for their partner(s) to take some time to explore this with them when they feel safe and ready to do so. Active communication is the key to ensuring everyone is getting the most out of the experiences, and it’s important for the person experiencing the drop to take the time to deeply reflect and communicate as honestly and openly as possible as to how they’re feeling.
Sometimes we may block off our emotions when we experience a drop, in order to protect ourselves. It is also very common to feel feelings of guilt or shame during drop, but it’s important we don’t keep this to ourselves. Ignoring sub/topdrop or simply accepting it as “part” of the experience is not healthy (drop is a healthy part of BDSM when dealt with correctly, it’s only when it becomes very frequent or you stop communicating that it becomes unhealthy).
Speaking freely about your emotions can ultimately save a dynamic and help you work towards creating healthier, more pleasurable experiences in the long run. For more information on this topic check out my blogs on BDSM & altered states and What is Subpace and how do I get there?
You feel uninspired
Are you feeling uninspired when it comes to creating punishments for your sub, or feel like you’ve run out of ways to please your Dom? This is a clear sign you’ve hit a bit of a wall in your kink journey, and sometimes this wall happens before you’ve even got started, or it can crop up at any point during your journey.
There are a few reasons why you might be feeling uninspired, so it’s important you take some time to honestly reflect on how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. Does the lack of inspiration come from a place of fear and uncertainty, is it due to lack of self-belief or confidence, or a place of unfulfillment in your dynamic or current experiences? Understanding what the feeling is will help you identify whether it’s a case of focusing inwards or outwards. If it’s from a place of fear or lack of self-belief, ask yourself what you’re scared of, and most importantly, share these concerns with your partner too.
If it’s a feeling of unfulfillment, again ask yourself why. Is your current partner in alignment with your kinks and desires, or is something not quite right? So often people at the start of their kink journey will settle because they think they won’t find anything better, but trust me, you will find someone who’s kinks and values truly align with yours, so don’t sell yourself short.
On the other hand, don’t be so closed off to trying new things. If your partner likes different things to you that aren’t a complete hard no, why not give them a go? Take it in turns to explore each other’s desires, and who knows, you might even be surprised!
You’ve noticed dips in your confidence
Confidence is such a huge roadblock when it comes to exploring kink. Whether you’re new to the scene or you’ve been practising for years, you will always have times where your confidence waivers. Are you finding you’re ‘in your head’ too much during scenes, or feeling overwhelming waves of anxiety when it comes to actually turning your fantasy into a reality? Then it’s time to find out what’s stopping you from growing here.
Lack of confidence often comes from an insecurity of some kind, that could be fear of rejection, fear of looking/feeling silly, or fear of doing something wrong. These are all totally normal human feelings that come up in all areas of our life, but they can be very effective at killing our sex life/drive.
Based on the other four points in this article, I think you already know but the answer is communication is key. Acknowledging your fears and concerns is the fastest way to take control of them. Ignoring them and thinking we should simply know what to do is not the way to go about this. And here is where your partner can offer support, using language in the bedroom that let’s you know when they enjoy what you’re doing, and providing excellent aftercare and feedback that makes you feel safe.
There’s no one quick-fix for confidence, because it’s all about mindset. We all feel nervous about trying something for the first time, but practice makes perfect, and if you try something that you don’t like, don’t let this dishearten you, simply move on to the next thing. BDSM isn’t all about having picture-perfect scenes, it’s about having fun and letting yourself go, so get out of your head and into your body, allow your intuition to guide you, not your fear (easier said than done, I know).
Do you feel as though you’re stuck on your kink journey? Whether you’re single and not enjoying your current experiences, unsure of how to create the dynamic you so deeply desire, or whether you’re in a relationship/dynamic that feels a bit stagnant right now, I’m here to help. With my BDSM Exploratory Sessions we can dive deep into your desires, addressing any fears, concerns, or areas of interest you might wish to explore further. My role is to provide support, guidance, and education to empower you to feel confident in creating the kinky life you deserve.
To find out more and to book now, click here.