Butt stuff – you either love it or fear it greatly until you try it. One of the most common differences of opinion I see with the couples I work with on BDSM negotiation is anal play! There really seems to be a stark contrast in eagerness to experiment with anal play. For many Dominants, anal play is right up there on their kinky to-do list, while submissives tend to immediately clench up at the thought of it. I often see anal play go straight to the hard limits section despite many people saying they enjoy the thought of it.
Now, it’s perfectly okay for you to want to keep anal play a fantasy, but if you’re someone who’d like to make this fantasy a reality, then I am here to give you a few tips on getting started. If you’ve never tried any sort of anal play before then it’s completely natural to feel nervous about it – will it hurt? What if I poop? Is it hygienic? These are just some of the common fears and concerns I often hear, and while you may not like some of the answers to those questions, I’m going to talk you through the good, the bad, and the ugly of anal play.
What is anal play and how do I introduce it?
Anal play can mean any type of sexual activity involving the butt, this could include touching, stroking, and licking the area as well as inserting fingers, toys or a penis all the way through to full anal intercourse. Anal play is still seen as relatively taboo these days, but a lot more people are showing an interest in exploring this sexy activity.
Whether you’re engaging in anal play in a BDSM context or not, the important thing is to explore anal play at your own pace and do what feels comfortable for you. Here are a few things to remember…
Talk to your partner
If you regularly engage in kink/BDSM then you’re likely familiar with the process of negotiation before any kind of sex, but if you’re new to it, then this can probably feel a little weird and awkward at first. Talking about what you want is the key to getting what you want, so address that kinky elephant in the room!
Sexual negotiation doesn’t have to be awkward and clinical, it all be seen as a part of foreplay. At this point you’re beginning to say your fantasy out loud, which can help you both get really clear on what you want from the experience.
Here are some questions to consider…
- How do I want to engage in anal play? (are you wanting to give or receive, do you want to try full penetration, experiment with toys, etc?)
- What do I want to feel during anal play? (Is anal play purely for pleasure, is it a form of punishment? Do you want to feel humiliated/degraded? Do you want to feel powerful?)
- What are my fears/concerns about anal play?
- How can my partner make me feel more comfortable regarding these concerns?
If you don’t feel confident enough to discuss this face to face, write down your answers and exchange them, or have a discussion via text/email/phone. However you choose to discuss your limits, remember that embarking on new sexual experiences requires communication on steroids! Make sure you talk to one another before, during, and after play to make it a delicious experience.
Take things slowly
It’s safe to say the butt is a pretty small hole, and you’re probably thinking there’s no way anything’s getting up there, but it will, with a little bit of encouragement! And patience is a virtue when it comes to enjoying anal play. I think most of us would agree that foreplay is a non-negotiable anyway, so when you’re taking your exploration round to the butt, the rules don’t differ. Starting out with simply touching and stroking the entrance to the anus (no penetration at this point), whilst simultaneously doing all that other good stuff that gets you going, is a good way to get things warmed up.
Whether you’re exploring anal play as part of a Dominant/submissive dynamic or not, introducing a “training period” is a great way to slowly ease yourself into different types of anal play. This can involve trying out different techniques and toys for anal play before working up to full penetration. For example, experimenting with butt plugs can help you get used to the sensation of having something inside of you, whilst gently expanding the area ready for full penetration. This can be done as solo play or with a partner, with some Dominant’s requesting their submissive to wear a butt plug at certain times and for prolonged periods of time, working through different sizes at a pace that’s comfortable (or not, depending on the intention of play) for them. Wearing a butt plug during sex or play can also help you relax and begin to experience the heightened sense of arousal and pleasure that comes from stimulating the anus.
Anal play is a journey, and preparation is a super important part of having an enjoyable first experience. For those of you ready to go all-in, I know what you’re thinking, and I’ve gotta tell ya, shit happens…sometimes. Remember, the primary purpose of your back passage is to act as an exit point for your bowels, so you can’t expect to go into this without the possibility of poop. Just saying. But there are some ways you can prepare beforehand to minimise this possibility.
Let’s talk about douching…
The less glamorous side of anal play, but an important part nonetheless, is anal douching (I bet this isn’t the kind of dirty talk you expected from me when you clicked on this post, sorry, but you’ll thank me later). A douche or enema essentially allows you to squeeze water into your butthole to minimise the risk of residual poop escaping during play. If you’ve never done this before then this will be a whole experience in itself so my advice is to practice this at home one evening alone, when you’ve got nowhere else to be. The only way I can describe the feeling is like peeing from your butthole, and I’ll say no more before I put you off the whole thing all over again. But seriously, it’s strangely satisfying once you find the knack!
Lube it up…
As I said, the anus, unfortunately, doesn’t have the same magical self-lubricating powers as the vagina does, so do not shy away from lots and lots of lube. Water-based lubes are preferable, they’re safe, easy to clean up, and better for the environment!
Mental blockages are totally normal for any kind of kinky activity where you’re making yourself vulnerable, and anal play is no different.
Don’t forget to breatheee. It’s perfectly natural to want to tense up when there’s something quite literally up your ass, but tensing up is only going to make the process potentially awkward, painful, and unenjoyable. Do whatever it takes to make you relaxed (easier said than done of course). As I mentioned before, start out with some foreplay, do all those yummy things that get you feeling super sexy and confident, and then start to explore deeper anal penetration.
The sensation might feel totally weird and not sexy at first, but when you relax into it, as with anything, you’ll begin to surrender to the feeling. This is where having a compassionate partner is super important. They need to understand your concerns and address those feelings before plowing on through (literally). If you’ve built up to it and you’re still not ready, it’s okay to stop there and try again another time. Mindset is a huge part of enjoying anal play to its fullest, and it’s not going anywhere, so the right pace to do it is your own pace.
If you’re currently using protection for penetration in the front, then you need protection for penetration in the back too. Believe it or not, it is possible to conceive as a result of anal sex, and easier than you think for those little swimmers to find their way to the other door! Sexual health is important too, so just be sure to consider this when going into anal play with a new or casual partner.
And those are a few tips to take anal play from “hard limit” to at least a “willing to try”, and you never know, you may end up loving it in the butt!