What is dissociation in BDSM? Some believe it’s the same as subspace or topspace, some believe it’s completely different. In this article, I talk you through the definitions and provide a few tips on how to stay grounded during play.
Not all BDSM dynamics are created equal – some involve romance, and some don’t. But one thing that should always be present is connection. Having a solid connection with your partner (trust and clear communication around limits and boundaries at a minimum) is vital to having the most pleasurable experiences.
It is with the core foundations of trust and communication that you can start to experience the much-talked-about altered states – subspace and topspace. Now don’t get ahead of yourself, reaching sub/topspace is not the be-all and end all of BDSM. You can have very intense and satisfying scenes without reaching that space, and it is something that you’re likely to experience at a point where you and your partner and truly relaxed and have had a lot of time to grow and develop your dynamic.
What is subspace?
For those of you not familiar, subspace is defined as the state of mind the submissive enters when deep in a BDSM scene. It can be pretty hard to describe and it’s different for everyone, but many confirm it’s a feeling of a state of euphoria, a feeling of being completely encapsulated in the scene where nothing else matters. I personally find it to be a very meditative and spiritual state of being, and some compare it to a runner’s high or something similar.
Dominants can also reach altered spaces, known as topspace. Again this can be a different feeling for everyone but I’ve often heard it described as a real sense of heightened focus, like tunnel vision where your body moves in ways without you even thinking about it. You’re in the zone and feel like you’re flying.
When experiencing altered states, the connection is so important because you need to be hyper-aware of your partner’s responses and noticing how they’re feeling. For example, submissive’s may experience higher or non-existent pain thresholds when right in the depths of subspace, and therefore the Dominant should take extra caution with things such as impact play during this time.
Being in subspace can feel all fizzy and floaty and yummy, and it’s a space where you feel on top of the world. This heightened state of being is just like a high, and you should take extra time to come out of that space after a scene, being sure to take time for aftercare in whatever form feels right for you and reflect on the experience when you feel safe and ready to do so.
Dissociation
Dissociation is part of your body’s fight, flight, or freeze reaction. When you dissociate, you freeze as a way of your body dealing with the stress or pain it is experiencing and it can happen during highly intense or traumatic experiences. Some believe subspace simply is dissociation, but freezing up in this way is much different to the mindful act of surrendering that I would describe subspace to be. Dissociation may leave you feeling trapped in that space when you aren’t comfortable with being there and this can be particularly scary if you’re unable to communicate how you’re feeling, even if you’ve reached your limits. This is why having clear communication and a trusted connection with your partner is so important.
Having a simple safewording system is key here – I always recommend the stoplight system for those of all experience levels because it’s super easy to remember, and is the universal language that can be easily communicated during sex or play, even during altered states. All you have to do is say “check-in” and your partner simply needs to say “Green” “Amber” or “Red” to indicate how they’re feeling.
However, for someone who enters into a space of dissociation, this may not always be possible and lack of response or interaction would be a clear indication that your partner may be in an uncomfortable altered state. If the line of communication breaks between you and your partner during play, it is always best to stop immediately and slowly try to come out of a scene with any pre-agreed aftercare techniques. If restraints have been used, they should come off immediately, and all senses should be restored so that they can begin to ground themselves in the present moment.
Keeping yourself grounded during BDSM play
It can be easy to place all the responsibility on the Dominant partner here, and while they do have a duty of care to their submissive to be aware of their behaviour and have the intuition and instinct to recognise when the sub is in a good or hazy altered state, it is not solely the responsibility of the Dominant, and the Dominant is also able to enter their own altered states that may lead to dissociation. Remember that D/s and any BDSM interaction is about power exchange and you both have a responsibility to one another to communicate and connect in a way that keeps you both safe.
Therefore, I always encourage people to really lean into their emotions and recognise when they might not be in the right headspace for play. It can be so easy to go with the flow because you want to please your partner or you want to try and block out any negative emotions you may be feeling, but BDSM when emotions are running high can have more negative impact than good.
While I am a believer that BDSM can be a great way for those with trauma to seek catharsis and navigate their sexuality in a safe and controlled space, it is particularly important to be aware of signs of dissociation during play and make sure an open discussion has been had about any previous trauma you feel could be triggered during play.
Sure, play is great for releasing the stresses and tensions of the day, but if you’re struggling with something more, BDSM may not always be the appropriate outlet for that, and so it’s important to seek other avenues of help such as talking therapies if you feel you need it.
BDSM & Mindfulness practices
In practicing BDSM you’re already learning and exhibiting great mindfulness techniques. Navigating a BDSM scene requires you to observe fully, act with intention and awareness, be non-judgemental and surrender to your inner experience.
Simple ways to ground yourself or your partner during play include regularly checking in with one another, talking during play about how you’re feeling, what sensations you feel, what sounds you can hear, what you can taste and hear. Make it sexy! It doesn’t have to be rigid or kill the vibe, it’s about enjoying all the sensations your mind and body are experiencing in that moment.
It’s also important to focus on your breathing, as this will enhance your experiences of both pleasure and pain. For example, tensing up and holding your breath before impact is not going to make it hurt less, in fact, it’ll do quite the opposite. So breathe, relax and surrender into the scene, and trust that you have your safeword communication in place if you need it.
Coming out of sub or topspace should be slow and gradual rather than hard and fast as the hormone levels in your body need time to readjust, and your physical body may also need time to stabilise. As above, remove all restraints, blindfolds, toys, and tools from the scene and take some deep breaths as you come back down to reality. Take plenty of time to enjoy the aftercare and remember that your experience won’t always be perfect, but if you can take those experiences and learn and reflect on them, you will learn a lot about yourself and your partner along the way.
If you’d like to learn more about BDSM and kink, or you want to explore your desires in-depth, then there’s still time to sign up for the Six Weeks to Own Your Kink Course, or you can enquire about my 1-1 sessions.
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