Sub in the City

BDSM collars

BDSM Collars: How, when and why to use a collar in your BDSM play

In BDSM, collars are accessories, usually worn around the neck, that can be used during play or in day-to-day life to reflect a person’s role within a power play dynamic.

Collars have been popular throughout LGBTQ+ history and within many alternative subcultures, but there’s a strong association between collars and kink. Because there’s so much to learn about collaring, it’s important to break down how and why we use collars in BDSM to help you discover what suits you and your dynamic best.

Who might use a collar?

Collars are usually given to a Submissive from their Dominant, though Switches sometimes wear collars when they’re subbing. We might come across different styles of collars that suit variations of the Dom/Sub dynamic such as Master/Slave, where training or posture collars might be worn, and Owner/Pet relationships, where the collar might include a bell or tag. Some Subs who don’t have a Dom or prefer to practice kink without a partner might choose to self-collar and find personal meaning from it. Also, Subs aren’t necessarily restricted to just one collar – they may wear different ones depending on the setting, who they’re with, and what kind of scene or situation they’re in.

Why do we use collars?

Though it can depend on the dynamic and the individual, we typically give and wear collars for three reasons: symbolism, practicality, and decoration.

Symbolically, collaring represents the power dynamic between a Dom and a Sub by signifying ownership or commitment between partners. Within non-sexual kink spaces, Submissives might wear a collar to visibly signal to others in the community that they’re ‘taken’ or part of a dynamic, which can help to avoid unwanted attention from other Doms. Collars can also be worn in public as a demonstration of the Sub’s full time commitment to their Dom, as a symbol of chastity, or to publicly humiliate the Sub.

Practically, collars can be utilised based on their design to enhance play and scenes. Many collars come with O rings or D rings which can be used to attach leads, rope, and nipple clamps – perfect for pain play and physically restraining a partner. Most collars are adjustable to suit the desired comfort level and type of play, or they can be worn tightly for breath play. Posture collars, which we’ll get into later, have the practical use of training a Sub both in and out of play.

Collars don’t always have to be worn for a symbolic or practical reason – sometimes a Sub might wear one just because it makes them feel good! Decorative collars can be made from all sorts of materials and vary in design, but because they tend to be a little less sturdy than play collars, they’re best worn for aesthetic reasons. They can be worn in scenes to make a Sub feel more comfortable and confident, or outside of scenes as a kinky accessory. 

Different dynamics collars can signify:

24/7: Wearing a collar within a 24/7 power play relationship means that both partners are committed to a full time dynamic, so the Dom has power and authority during play. This dynamic can continue outside of the bedroom, but there’s an acknowledgement that each person has their individual life too. 

TPE (Total Power Exchange): This type of dynamic sometimes overlaps with a 24/7 relationship, but it’s much more intense. In TPE relationships, the Dominant controls all aspects of their Submissive’s life, including their lifestyle, diet, financial decisions and appearance. A Submissive within this dynamic will often live with and serve their Dominant, wearing a permanent collar as a reminder of the Dominant’s ownership.

Collar On/Collar Off or Bedroom Only Dynamic: For more casual BDSM relationships, collars can be worn as a way to symbolise where power play scenes begin and end. This can easily get part-time Subs in the right headspace, and is a great way to restrict a dynamic to the bedroom. 

Different stages of collaring

Couples in long-term BDSM relationships that are looking into contracts or a permanent collar might choose to take the relationship through the different stages of collaring. Here’s a breakdown of some of the different collars a Sub might wear that typically lead up to earning a permanent collar.

  1. Consideration: Consideration collars are the first collar given by a Dom as a way to signify that their Sub is under consideration for a permanent collar. It’s a chance to get to know each other through play and communication, but doesn’t yet symbolise a full-time commitment.
  2. Training: If the consideration process goes well, a Dom may exchange this collar with a different collar to mark the start of the training process. Much like an engagement ring, this period of collaring is long enough so that partners can get to know each other on a deeper emotional level. In this time, Subs will also learn any routines or protocols that might be needed later on.
  3. Formal/Full Collar: Similar to a wedding ring, formal collars represent a long term commitment to one another, and they tend to be worn permanently. Because this is regarded as the highest stage of collaring in BDSM, many people hold collaring ceremonies to celebrate the event. Ceremonies often include an exchange of vows and the signing of a contract, followed by a party or a scene.

Different types of collars

  • Day collars: Day collars are often a lot daintier and more subtle than other types of collars because they’re designed to be discreet and feel comfortable enough for everyday wear. They might look like normal chains or chokers, but the wearer and their partner will understand their meaning. 
  • Play collars: Play collars are chunkier and sturdier than decorative collars because they need to withstand potential damage from rough play. They’re usually made from strong materials such as leather (or a vegan alternative) or metal, and they might have rings for attachable leads or gear. Play collars can be fastened with buckles, locks, velcro or press studs depending on what’s most suitable for the individual.
  • Posture/pain collars: These can be used to physically and emotionally train a Submissive. Posture collars are often rigid and tall to correct a Sub’s posture or train them into learning positions. Pain play collars, such as shock collars and prong collars, can be used as a method of punishment or as a way to force a sub to hold a position for a long time.
  • Permanent collars: Permanent collars are usually locked using a padlock or screws so only a person’s Dom can unlock it. These can look like typical collars, or have a more subtle day collar feel. 

In some dynamics, partners might get a collar engraved with initials, names, dates, or phrases that are special to them, or they might get a tag to attach to the collar. 

Alternatives to collars

Some Subs decide not to wear collars due to safety and privacy reasons, sensory issues or just because it’s their personal preference. In situations where collars aren’t ideal, a Sub may feel more comfortable wearing something that suits their specific needs but can act as a collar. As alternatives to collars, you might see Submissives wearing necklaces, bracelets, anklets or rings that can hold the same amount of significance as a collar, and can feel like an exciting secret or code between them and their Dom. In more extreme dynamics, Submissives may receive body modifications such as tattoos or piercings instead of getting collared. 

Before buying, accepting or wearing a collar, make sure you and your partner understand the safety risks of collaring and have discussed how to stay safer, and do research to choose what type and style of collar fits your personal dynamic.

Collaring can be a significant and intimate process for you and your partner so take your time when exploring and let this moment bring you closer together!

If you’re ready to explore your submissive side further, then join us on 18th December in London for our couples workshop “Impact Skills – Festive Social”.