Sub in the City

consensual non consent

Consensual non-consent: What is ‘rape play’ and how to do it safely

Have you ever had a fantasy about sex with a stranger? How about sex you didn’t consent to? Well, you’re not alone. In this blog, I will be talking you through consensual non-consent, also known as ‘rape play’, what it is, and how to practice it safely.

Please be advised this topic may be triggering for some. Reader discretion is advised.

Consensual non-consent, also known as CNC for short, is a common kink in the BDSM world that involves consensual role play in which the acts are pretending to be non-consensual. This is also commonly referred to as ‘rape play.’

People of all genders experience rape fantasies, women in particular, and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of. Having these fantasies doesn’t mean you’re asking for it, or that you’re having insidious thoughts. When there are consenting adults, this is simply another type of role play or scene that enables you to explore your submissive desires.

Naturally, this fantasy can feel intimidating to both the ‘top’ and the ‘bottom’. It is stepping into unchartered territory and while the fantasy seems good in your head, will that really be the case in real life?

If this is something you’ve been thinking about but don’t know where to begin, here are some tips to help you get started with CNC.

Trust and communication are key

You can’t safely enter a CNC role play with someone you’ve just met. If you’re going to negotiate this type of role play, it needs to be with someone you know and trust. This type of play requires way more discussion than usual, even between an established Dominant and submissive or long-term couple. The reason for this is because it could be triggering for either party in a way they hadn’t considered straight off the bat.

So make sure you discuss the scene you wish to act out in lots of detail, establishing a safe word system and safe gestures too for when speaking is not possible. My suggestion would be to both write down individual lists of the things you definitely want to try, the things you’d be okay with trying, and the things that are an absolute no-no. For example, I’d like you to tie me up, I’m okay with light slapping, do not cover my nose and mouth simultaneously. Then compare notes and discuss.

The Dominant, or ‘Top’, needs to ensure their partner is 100% okay with the scene that’s been planned out.

When it comes to acting out the scene, communication needs to remain at the forefront of your mind, so as with any type of BDSM play, it is important not to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Improvisation skills are effective

I know what you’re thinking. How is it really a rape fantasy if we know what’s coming? Well, this is where improvisation comes in handy. If you’re already in a Dominant/submissive relationship, you may have already played around with improv a fair bit, so you know what your partner likes and dislikes. But if you’re totally new to any type of role play, then take some time to think about what you’re going to do beforehand.

The scene can be totally flexible within the boundaries of the contract discussed. While your partner may have said they want you to tie them up and blindfold them, what comes after that is up to you. What positions will you put them in, what will you say to them, if anything? And the improv doesn’t just have to come from the Dominant/top, either. The submissive/bottom may choose to fight back, (play fighting of course) or try to escape. In doing these things, you can begin to bounce off each other’s energy and find a flow that feels right for you both.

As long as you’re both certain of the boundaries and the safe words then you are free to play with the scene as much as you like.

Aftercare is a must

When it comes to a CNC role play, aftercare is an absolute must, even for those in established relationships. It is important to debrief with your partner and check in with how they’re feeling and to be open and honest about any negative feelings that may have come up.

Be advised that experiencing a ‘subdrop’ or ‘topdrop’ can be more common in this instance than with a regular role play, especially if it is your first time. A ‘drop’ is when the submissive or the Dominant experience feeling low either immediately after or even days after a scene. This is often to do with the change is chemicals in the brain, but it can also be because something during the scene has triggered that person.

Always try to be as open and honest with your partner about how your feeling, and check in later down the line to reflect on the scene again, as opinions can change. It is also perfectly okay if one or both of you didn’t enjoy the experience as much as you thought you would. Sometimes a fantasy is best left as just that, a fantasy.

Then if you’d both like to try CNC again, remember to start the process from the top, discuss the expectations and limitations of the scene beforehand, and always remember not to take it too seriously, have fun with it and enjoy exploring this fantasy together in a safe space.

If you’d like to learn more about getting started with BDSM or exploring your Dominant or submissive persona, follow me on Instagram, or get in touch about my online workshops.