Edging and orgasm control are popular types of BDSM play and can be used to discipline or punish the submissive. However, edging and orgasm control do not just need to be reserved for the incredibly kinky, but instead, these practices can be used to enhance your sex life and bring you better orgasms. Doesn’t sound so mean now, does it? In this article, I explain the idea behind edging and orgasm control, what it is, and how to do it.
When I mention the words ‘orgasm control’ many people feel that this is an impossible task. Either they believe there’s no way they could stop themselves from coming when on the edge, or they feel they already struggle to reach climax as it is, without trying to come on cue.
I was one of those people once. As someone who has struggled to reach climax in the past, I thought there’s no way I’d give up a very rare orgasm if someone tried to deny me of it. But although orgasm control may sound like you’re giving up your basic human right to pleasure, that couldn’t be more wrong. Orgasm control and edging is all about extending your pleasure, and intensifying the end result.
What is edging?
Put simply, edging is the practice of bringing yourself, or your partner, to the brink of orgasm and then stopping. Remove all stimulation and do not allow yourself, or them, to come. And yes, this can be a lot harder than it sounds. If you do it correctly, you should be at the point where you could come right away if you wanted/were instructed to, but instead, you stop. If you stop at “the edge” but then take longer than a few seconds to come immediately after, then you weren’t really at the brink of orgasm.
When you first try it out, you may not be able to control yourself, and you might accidentally (or intentionally) come before you’re supposed to. It will take a while, but you know what they say: practice makes perfect.
Anyone can practice edging, either alone or with a partner. In doing so, you can really get to know your body, what you enjoy, and exactly what buttons to press. Bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm and stopping several times before climaxing will intensify your orgasm, making it stronger and last longer.
Orgasm control as a form of discipline/punishment
Within a BDSM dynamic, it is common for the Dominant to implement orgasm control rules. This could include not being allowed to come unless instructed to or given permission to do so, sometimes resulting in not being able to come at all. This is known as orgasm denial. While for many this may sound extreme, denial of pleasure is a common kink for submissives, and Dominant’s will use this technique as a way to discipline their sub.
In many instances, an orgasm for the submissive is seen second to that of the Dominant, and will only be allowed as a reward for good behaviour. However, many Dominants will also use edging and orgasm control as a way to drive their sub wild and provide them with hours of pleasure. Edging really can be a bit of a catch 22 – you enjoy the hours of play but the teasing is incredibly frustrating if you don’t know whether you’ll be allowed to orgasm at the end of it.
Another form of orgasm control is instructing the submissive to edge themselves to continue discipline even when the Dominant is not present. You could instruct your sub or your partner to masturbate, deciding when and how ( my favourite is using my Ann Summers Wand), how many times they should bring themselves to the edge, and whether or not they are allowed to come. This is a good way to remind them that their orgasm doesn’t belong to them and that you are in control of their pleasure at all times.
The benefits of edging
As I said, edging isn’t just reserved as a form of BDSM torture. We all know about the benefits of deferred gratification, and in this instance, edging is no different. Even if you don’t like the idea of being told when you can and can’t come, the practice of edging can be a really fun part of foreplay.
For those of you who find it difficult to reach climax, edging can actually help you relax because the whole premise of it is to take your time. Slowing down the pleasure and encouraging you to breathe and relax, bringing yourself to the edge of orgasm several times will allow you or your partner to understand what movements are the best to get you to that point.
On the other hand, edging is also great practice for those who experience premature ejaculation. Experimenting with edging during masturbation will help you to learn your own techniques and ways to relax your mind and body so that you don’t orgasm until you are ready to.
Getting started with edging
If you’re new to edging and you want to try with a partner, start by agreeing on the number of times you’re going to edge, for example three times. If you’re using a toy, these periods of edging may be shorter to begin with while you learn how to control your orgasms.
Breathing techniques and learning to relax can take some time, as you may be inclined to tense up if you feel you’re on the brink of orgasm but are trying to not come. Similar to tickling, when it comes to edging it’s all about mind over matter and you will need to learn when to let your partner know you’re close, so they can stop right before you’re about to come.
The length of time between each edge is also something that depends entirely on how you feel. In the beginning, you may need longer breaks to let the sensitivity settle before starting again. You may then wish to shorten the breaks between edges with each one you do, ultimately closing the gap completely right before climax.
Don’t be disheartened if you’re unable to edge for long periods of time to begin with, and vice versa. This is about exploring your body, understanding what feels good, and ultimately getting a better grip on how to control it to your advantage.
For more on this subject, keep an eye out for my Mind and Orgasm Control workshops.