Thought BDSM was all about whips and chains, rough sex, and hidden trauma? Think again. On behalf of all the kinksters out there, here are five misconceptions about BDSM relationships, debunked!
Dominant & Submissive relationships can get a bad rep outside of the BDSM community. The portrayal of BDSM in the mainstream media is often inaccurate, and heavily glamourised. Take Fifty Shades of Grey, for example. This story of a hot billionaire with a sadistic streak had women everywhere reading erotica on the bus on the way to work and popping out to Ann Summers on their lunch break to invest in a bullet vibrator, but for those in the kink community, it was quite the opposite.
What are the common misconceptions about BDSM relationships?
I’m sure a lot of women would jump at the chance to drop to their knees for Christian Grey in his “Red Room of Pain”, but this movie is full of misconceptions around BDSM relationships. What the kink community sees is a domineering (very different to Dominant) man with a troubled upbringing and obsessive behaviour who pressures a young woman into things she’s not clearly ready for, and consent is questionable throughout.
The BDSM community was unimpressed to say the least. Put it this way, not all dominants are millionaires who fly helicopters (sorry), Dominants are, believe it or not, just people like you and me, but the stereotyping of people who are into kink seems to either fall into “hot billionaire” or “crazy weirdo”. Neither of which are true.
So, I’m about to debunk some of the most common misconceptions about BDSM relationships, to show you that there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to Dominant and submissive relationships.
1) The Dom makes all the rules
One of the most common misconceptions about BDSM relationships is that the Dom is in charge. It’s easy to assume that the Dominant in the relationship makes all the rules, I mean, that’s kind of the point, right? Wrong. In actual fact, it is the submissive that ultimately holds all the power. In D/s relationships, and for any form of BDSM for that matter, communication and consent is a key part of everything.
If there’s one thing that people could learn from the BDSM community, it’s the way we communicate with each other. We talk about sex before sex, during sex, and after sex. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because if we didn’t, then someone could get hurt, like, really hurt. Dominant and submissive relationships are based on trust. The submissive will discuss their limits and boundaries with their partner, and it is the Dominant’s duty to respect those, whilst also knowing when to push them slightly.
It’s not how it looks in the movies. You wouldn’t go to a sex club to indulge in a little light spanking and end up being electro-shocked by the Dungeon Master. It would never happen. Anything that happens during a scene has always been discussed and given the green light before play, and while the Dominant leads the submissive during a scene or play, the submissive has the ability to stop what is happening at any time. This is why the agreement of a safeword is so vital to a successful BDSM dynamic.
2) You need lots of bondage equipment
A lot of people think of BDSM and immediately think of whips and chains and a “Red Room of Pain” (again we have Fifty Shades of Grey to thank for that one), but you really don’t need any fancy bondage equipment to enjoy BDSM. A good Dominant is not defined by the size of their toy collection, but by their ability to adapt to their submissive’s needs and desires.
BDSM runs much deeper than physical acts too. Anyone can pick up a paddle and spank someone (or try to anyway), but any experienced Dominant will tell you that it’s about much more than that. Sex is a huge part of BDSM, yes, but there are so many other elements that make up the whole Dom/sub experience, such as rules and rituals and the dialogue between Dominant and submissive. Understanding your submissive’s kinks, and knowing what makes them tick is your biggest asset as a Dom.
It’s not just about the spank, but about the build-up to the spank, the anticipation, your words, the looks you give. I would go as far as to say that BDSM is 80% psychological, and 20% physical. So, if you’re worried you can’t make your partner submit to you without the back up of a toy box full of goodies, believe me when I tell you, all you need is a firm hand and a stern look.
3) Being submissive means you have “Daddy issues”
Probably one of the most damaging misconceptions about BDSM relationships, and something that seems to have become a bit of a trend in recent years is the casual use of the term “Daddy issues” when describing someone (usually a woman) who is into BDSM or kink. A lot of people assume (again largely due to media portrayal) that anyone with sadistic or masochistic tendencies must have some kind of childhood trauma. A more direct correlation comes from the fact that some BDSM dynamics are centered around a DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl) role play, which no, has NOTHING to do with wanting to fuck your dad.
This is wrong on so many levels. Not just because for most of the BDSM community this is factually incorrect, but because it trivialises genuine trauma suffering. There has been a lot of research conducted on mental health within the kink community, and in reality, those who enjoy a healthy BDSM lifestyle also have excellent mental health because kink is a great way to learn about healthy communication and setting boundaries within a relationship. And just as a side note, this does not mean that anyone who is suffering with trauma-related mental health should not explore BDSM. Exploring kinks with someone you trust can actually be an incredibly healing and therapeutic experience.
The stigma and stereotyping that amounts from people’s perception of BDSM leads many to supress their kinky desires through fear and shame. But the mantra of BDSM is literally “Safe Sane and Consensual” – what we enjoy behind closed doors (or not if you’re an exhibitionist), doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how we think or behave in our day-to-day lives.
4) BDSM is misogynistic
A lot of people have expressed to me their concern about whether or not being a male Dominant makes them a misogynist, or whether being a female submissive makes them a bad feminist, and I always come back to the same reasoning: as long as there is consent, you can explore BDSM however you desire.
BDSM isn’t about hating on women. Quite the opposite actually. Being submissive, regardless of gender, is incredibly liberating, and a beautiful way to take control of your sexual desires by giving someone else the power to empower you.
And remember, not all Dominant/submissive relationships are made up of male Doms and female Subs. There are plenty of men who enjoy submitting to a female Domme, and plenty of non-binary Dominant and submissive relationships too. BDSM is not concerned with gender, and you are invited to indulge in your kinky fantasies regardless of how you identify, and without it turning you into a bigot.
5) BDSM is all about rough sex
Since BDSM does literally stand for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism I can see why people might assume that BDSM is all about pain and rough sex. Yes, these are typically the core principles of a BDSM relationship, but they don’t define it, and sadism and masochism are just one part of a much bigger world.
There’s no “hit it and quit it” when it comes to Dominant and submissive play, mainly because it’s impossible to safely and effectively explore BDSM in one night. There’s also a whole other side to kink that often gets overlooked in the Hollywood movies. BDSM can be incredibly sensual, and a good Dominant is just the right balance of sadistic and sweet.
Aftercare is a huge part of a Dominant and submissive relationship. This is the part after sex where the Dominant provides some kind of physical or emotional care to their Submissive, whether that be rubbing lotion onto spank marks, or simply checking in to see if they’re okay.
And not every sexual encounter has to involve whips and chains either. Enjoying rough sex is great, but it doesn’t directly correlate with BDSM. You can enjoy rough sex in its own right, but not be in a Dominant and submissive relationship, and on the flip side, you can be in a Dominant and submissive relationship, and not have rough sex. Us kinksters enjoy some good old-fashioned morning sex too, and sometimes nothing beats a super slow and sensual fuck.
Curious to learn more and discover your kinks? Then join me for my BDSM 101 Workshop which provides an introduction to kink and Dominant and submissive practices! Follow me on Instagram @subinthecity to learn more.