Sub in the City

Sex Party Etiquette

Playing well with others: A guide to sex party etiquette

Top tips for navigating your first play, kink, or fetish party

Ok, I’m ready!

If you’re ready to get out there and mingle with some like-minded people you’ve probably found yourself wondering what the difference is between a play, kink, or fetish party. There is a multitude of different events organised for kinksters but it can quickly get overwhelming or confusing. You need not worry though, there is something out here for everyone in this guide to sex party etiquette. 

Before we get into the intricacies of the differences though it’s important to remember that just because each party has a ‘tag’ it doesn’t mean anything is ever expected of you. Everything is done with consent and many people attend these events just for the atmosphere and to be surrounded by like-minded people. Consent is everything at these events and you will usually get an intro from the organiser into what is and what isn’t acceptable. These ‘rules’ should always start with consent being the key aspect to any party.

But do I have to have sex?

A question most new people ask when looking into these events is whether you have to have sex and/or get involved. There is never any requirement to have sex or do anything you don’t feel comfortable with; you can have a great time just soaking up the atmosphere, having open-minded conversations, and meeting some interesting people from walks of life you might not ordinarily mix with. Remember, everyone had their first party and it’s often advisable to go slow, perhaps check out a few events before you get involved and watch how the other party-goers interact with each other, both sexually and not. Think about it as just another party, you don’t have to have sex on a vanilla night out at a club even though others might want to, so why would you just because the party has a different name?

Fetish & Kink Parties

Fetish or kink parties are events that cater to those who want to be surrounded by and partake in their fetish or kink, this could be doms and subs, latex clothing, leatherwear, or exhibitionism. Torture Garden is one of the biggest and best and often hosts large-scale glamourous events with top DJs, a club atmosphere, and spectacular shows from some of the industry’s biggest names. At a fetish or kink party, you can expect everyone to have gone all out on their dress. These are parties to enjoy feeling sexy indulging in your, often decadent surroundings, and being comfortable with the like-minded people around you.

The main aim of these parties is zero judgment and maximum fun. Fetish & Kink parties will often have less focus on playing with others and more on the atmosphere. The great thing about these parties is both singles and couples are welcome; groups of friends often attend or you could even find others on your socials who are attending to meet up with.

Fetish parties are a great crossover from vanilla nights out into the world of BDSM and kink; pick the right event and you’ll be guaranteed to have an eye-opening evening, just remember to dress to impress, if you feel uncomfortable in the outside world in your outfit, it’s more than likely you’ve dressed just right!

Play Parties

Play parties are similar but usually cater more to those who are actively looking to engage in their kink with their partners or others. This of course does not mean anything is expected, and newbies and voyeurs are often welcomed. With play parties, the guest list will ordinarily be more controlled with certain criteria for entry, groups of males are unlikely to be admitted and often it will be a guest list based on a social networking site with verified users or those with references being allowed to attend.

From when you walk through the doors to when you leave, these parties are likely to be unlike anything you’ve previously experienced so take your time, get to know people at the party, and don’t judge. Everyone’s accepted at these places and if something isn’t your thing, that’s fine, enjoy the fact that it is theirs and remember, you won’t be the only one who’s nervous there!

These are fantastic events if you’re looking for a safe space to meet others, chat and enjoy the atmosphere with the other attendees and discover if you would like to take your play further. Often hosting smaller numbers than fetish parties, these events are suitable for both couples and singles.. Look for events that are well known to your community and try to speak to people who have been to an event before.

If you’re still a little unsure, we have our upcoming workshop where I’ll be guiding you through the ins and outs of BDSM etiquette, you can sign up here.

SITC guide to sex party etiquette top 5 tips

  • Do your research – find the sort of parties that you’re interested in with good reviews and clear rules.
  • Go slow at the first couple of events, if you go with the intention of just observing you will never go home disappointed or feel pressured to do anything.
  • Find others attending on your socials or in your network.
  • Stay in control of your drinking; stay self-aware.
  • Dress to impress, be confident in yourself and you’ll have a better time!

Want to feel confident navigating the BDSM Scene? Join the upcoming online workshop A Guide to Kinky Etiquette: Navigating the BDSM Scene with Confidence on Thursday 13th April 2023. This workshop is free for Collared Community Patreon members and discounted for all other Patreon subscribers.