Sub in the City

solo submission

Solo Submission: Tips for establishing your kinky identity when single

Being single and submissive can be a frustrating experience, especially when it comes to expressing your submissive identity. It is sometimes challenging to find a partner who aligns with your values and desires, and many new submissives may feel pressured to rush into relationships or sexual encounters in order to experience their kinks. This can lead to what’s known as “sub frenzy,” whereby a sub will look for anyone and everyone to engage in power play with, which can be dangerous or leave one feeling vulnerable if they have not properly vetted a potential partner.

It’s important to remember that giving your submission away to just anyone is not worth the risk. Waiting for a suitable partner who aligns with you is always better than rushing into a relationship or sexual encounter that could potentially harm you.

If you’re single and struggling to maintain your submissive identity, there are several things you can do to help nurture and develop it that I’ve outlined below. Submission is more than just an interaction with another person and there are a number of ways you can indulge in your kink without another person.

Set your own rules & rituals

Firstly, try setting your own rules and rituals that help you connect with your submissive side. This could be anything from daily affirmations to meditation or a regular self-bondage routine. A few of my personal suggestions for new submissives are as below, not all will work for you but they may guide you in finding what you do or don’t like.

  • Self Bondage – tie yourself gently to experience the restraint; set yourself a goal of how long you stay like it and work your way up to different positions, and restraints. Make sure your ties are easily escapable, and don’t be tempted to use anything that won’t release if you need it to.
  • Daily Affirmations – Choose a time that suits you and recite your affirmations of submission three to five times.
  • Self Flogging – Set yourself a goal and count each flog out loud, as ever, go gently to start and find where you are comfortable. This technique works well at getting you into that sub-space.

Workshops & reading

Additionally, continue to learn and discover your kinks through workshops, reading, and exploring your fantasies. There are some great providers out there who conduct learning webinars, designed to give you the information you need before entering the world of submission and along your journey. Reading is a great way to gain more knowledge and understand your submission in depth, from classic texts to how-to guides, here are a couple of my favourites:

The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book – Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

These two books were originally released in the early 90s and readers loved the candor, kindness, and detail the authors went into. Think part guidebook and part anecdotal but definitely readable.

BDSM Basics for Beginners – Michelle Fegatofi

This one is a straightforward guidebook. Michelle has over 20 years of experience as a submissive and has written an encompassing book allowing you to benefit from her years in the industry.


As we’ve touched on before, the ‘kink-verse’ is huge, and there’s no shortage of ways to connect with people digitally or at shared events. is a fantastic resource for finding like-minded kinksters and you could choose to get into a forum discussing sub-life or find a dom online and engage in a digital dom/sub relationship. Of course, you do need to be careful on any form of social media that you are happy with what you put out there, once sent, a picture or video is impossible to get back. There are also a number of professional doms or mistresses who offer digital domination and could be a good introduction or interaction with a dominant without having their physical presence.


Lastly, consider self-collaring as a symbolic way to continue to define your kinky identity. This can be a powerful reminder that your submission is a part of who you are, and not something that is defined by your Dominant partner. Collars can be subtle or overt, a fine ribbon or thick leather strap both indicate your identity but one could be more suitable than the other for your everyday life if required. Wearing a collar is a great way to take the lifestyle with you, show others what you are, and is an act of submission in itself.

Remember, being submissive is not just about the relationship you have with a Dominant partner. There are many other facets to being submissive that can be nurtured when you’re single. Focus on yourself, explore your desires, and don’t rush into anything that doesn’t feel right. With time and patience, you will find a partner who aligns with you and shares your desires.

Want a greater understanding of your submissive identity? Then make sure you join me on 1st June for my online workshop Step Into Your Submission: A Guide to Developing your Submissive Identity.

Collared Community Patreon Members get this workshop free, and all other subscription levels get a discount. And if you want to meet other likeminded kinksters in a no-pressure environment, make sure you grab a ticket to the Sub in the City Summer Social in London on Thursday 25th May!