Sub in the City

What is subspace and how do I get there?

What is subspace and how do I get there?

Ready to take your BDSM relationship to the next level? Then let’s talk about the psychological aspect of domination and submission. When it comes to BDSM, many people have dabbled in the physical side of things: spanking, choking, restraints, but truly letting go requires tapping into the mind of the other…

As I always say, a relationship between a dominant and submissive is built on trust, communication and anticipation. It’s quite easy to give someone consent to tie you up and spank you, but the idea of letting someone into your mind can feel quite unnerving to some of us. 

Opening your mind and letting someone tap into your deepest, darkest fears and desires leaves you feeling vulnerable and exposed. But that’s one of the most beautiful things about a BDSM relationship, finding that one person who knows what makes you tick, and allows you to explore parts of yourself you never knew existed. 

What is subspace?

Subspace is the name given to a state of mind that is achieved by the submissive during intense play. Similar to an orgasm, this can be difficult to explain as everyone will have their own experience of it. However, it is common to experience feelings of euphoria, almost like a high or drunk feeling, and reality starts to fade away as the mind narrows and the only thing you’re focused on is your dominant. 

This state of mind can often be compared to a meditative state, where your breathing becomes shallow and you feel deeply relaxed. So much so that pain thresholds often become higher or non-existent, and you may feel as though you are having an out of body experience. 

It is in this state that you can begin to push your limits to reach new heights, but the dominant must remain in control and be aware of when the submissive may have reached their limits, as they may not be able to vocalise it when in subspace. 

A power exchange

In order to explore and reach subspace, both the dominant and submissive must be open and willing to explore their psychological connection. BDSM is both a physical and emotional experience, and for submissives, it’s about giving someone else the power to empower you. 

Submission is a choice, a choice to let go of who you are and become who the other believes you should be. But surrendering can be more difficult than we think, which is why it is the dominant’s role to free the submissive from the constraints of their own mind. 

And with great power comes great responsibility. The dominant is not just a sadist who inflicts pain for their own pleasure. They are a caregiver, they help the submissive to open up, relax and feel safe to explore their masochistic desires. Of course fear is all part of the exchange, but one must first surrender to the idea of fear, before they can truly explore it. 

Creating a flow of tension

Keeping your submissive on edge: both scared and horny, is a great way to explore their desires. Using contrasting sensations, anticipation and introducing rules and rituals to guide them to that meditative space. 

The simplest way to do this is to wait in submission. Waiting is the purest form of submission and it is also a very calming state to be in. kneeling before play can allow the submissive time to breathe and get into that space, ready for their punishment, or whatever their dominant has planned for them. 

Being restrained can also help the submissive to relax and surrender to their dominant, and ironically being tied down or restrained can actually be quite freeing, as it frees the submissive from feelings such as guilt, shame or anxiety surrounding their masochistic desires. 

Surrendering is good for your mental health

We all experience the tensions and stresses of a fast-paced life with commitments such as work, families and chores. As a submissive, surrendering is about letting all of that go. It provides a sense of catharsis by creating a safe space in which both dominant and submissive can escape the outside world and focusing solely on each other. 

Surrendering to someone else creates one of the strongest psychological bonds you can have with another person. So while you can certainly dabble in BDSM practices on a top-level, if you’re looking to make your connection stronger, then you must start to understand the mind of the other. It is then that submissives can begin to explore subspace and new levels of pleasure and pain. 

Subdrop and aftercare

As with any high, one must come down. When we are aroused, it lets off certain hormones in our brain, and pain and pleasure both release endorphins, so when we start to come down from that high, the hormones can change which can alter our state of mind. 

It is perfectly normal to experience lows immediately after play or throughout the days to follow, and it is the dominant’s duty to ensure the proper aftercare is given. The type of aftercare you provide is entirely down to what you both decide, and sometimes the submissive may want some space while their hormones rebalance.

You won’t reach subspace every time and that’s okay, and remember this is just as much of an emotional journey for the dominant as it is the submissive, and that is why communication always comes first. Exploring subspace should can be reserved for more intense play sessions, and the more time you take to understand each other’s limits and boundaries, the deeper down the rabbit hole you can go! 

If you’d like to explore BDSM further, and learn more about your own desires, then sign up for one of my workshops!

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