Explore your desires in more depth and finally try out that fantasy you can’t get out of your head.
I’m here to share some quick and easy tips to get started on your kink journey. Because the world of kink can definitely feel overwhelming, especially if you’re brand new to it, but even if you’ve been dabbling in a few kinky things here and there and want to start diving a bit deeper into things, it can be tricky to know where to start.
Firstly, exploring BDSM and kink can definitely feel overwhelming, and while there are some serious elements to it, such as making sure you stay safe, ultimately kink is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, so while some of the work that comes with this type of exploration may feel daunting, please don’t let that put you off.
Secondly, I don’t want you to worry too much what other people are doing. It is so easy to compare yourself to other people and perhaps feel that some are ahead of you or doing things differently, but trust me it does not matter. Aside from some of the basic safety and consent rules, there is no right or wrong way to do BDSM – again, it’s about what feels good for you. You don’t need to be doing any more than you are right now, unless you want to. No one is coming round to check your level of kinkiness, nor can kinkiness be measured based upon the things your doing. You know why? Because BDSM isn’t a competition of who is spanking the hardest or being humiliated the most. BDSM is a exploration of personal desires and limits, and perhaps none of those have to do with pain or humiliation at all.
If you can remember those two things, you’re going to have a great time! So, if you’re ready to dive right in, here are my top tips for figuring out what you enjoy and getting started with kink.
#1 Reflect on your current sex life
For those of you who have a partner, I highly recommend taking some time to yourself to reflect on your sexual preferences. Now, you may think you already know what you like, but when you really take time to think about it, alone, without any influence from a partner, you may find yourself thinking of new or different things.
Creating a “sex menu” – basically a list of all the things you know you like can be a great exercise to give you some perspective on the type of sex you’re currently having, and allow you to identify any gaps in your pleasure.
Remember, this isn’t about criticising or emphasising what your sex life is lacking as such, but more of a way to inspire you with ways to level up the sex you’re currently having. So if you’re looking at your sex menu feeling a little disheartened, don’t! This is the first step in taking responsibility for your desires and working towards the sex life you deserve. And this is exactly why I encourage you to do this activity alone, because while of course we want to please our partners in the bedroom, that pleasure will only be heightened when we also know what we want and know how to get it.
#2 Consider new possible desires
Now, if you need some inspo on how to fill those gaps in your sex menu, then you can use a yes, no, maybe checklist to help identify some new kinks or desires you might like to try. You can create your own, but if you need a little helping hand, you can download pre-made lists online – I have one available for download on my website, and I’ll pop the link in the show notes.
This list is by no means an exhaustive list of kinks, but it gives you a little kick-start to thinking about the types of activities you may enjoy in the bedroom. What I love about this exercise is that it’s a great ice-breaker for people to start that communication piece around what they want in the bedroom, which can feel difficult or awkward for a lot of us. Once you’ve filled yours out as honestly as possible, you can then come together and compare notes, picking out the things that match and focusing on them to begin with. If there are things that don’t match, this should be a good conversation starter to help you understand the desires of the other person, but for now, let’s focus on those that do match.
#3 Know your why!!
Next thing to consider in this conversation with yourself and your partners, and this is something that people often don’t consider which is why they then get a bit lost, is understanding your WHY!? Why do you like the sound of these kinks? What about them turns you on? Because different people will have different reasons and the reason why makes a huge difference to how you experience the thing. For example, what submission is to one person is not the same as what submission might be for another, what masochism is for one person may not be what masochism is for another because the ways in which they want to experience submission or masochism may be completely different – one might like the psychological escape of submission and the other may only be interested in the physical experience of receiving pain. Knowing your why is also super important for those who you want to experience this kink with, because their understanding of it may be totally different to yours, which could alter their perception or interest in that thing.
So, get clear on your why, and also revisit this often, because one thing I should note is that everyone’s kinks evolve and change over time, and this means that your why may change too. You may find that your kinks change depending on what day of the week it is or who your partner is, and so its really important to keep revisiting this exercise throughout your journey, just to make sure you’re always coming back to your why, and altering your experiences according to that, and that is what is going to keep making the sex better and better!
#4 Take action!
Okay, so you’ve done your reflecting and you’ve had some conversations, you’ve established a few things that you and your partners are interested in, now what!?
It’s time to dive right in! And when I say that, I don’t necessarily mean into doing the thing, because there should be some planning and prepping involved. Things to ask yourself are “do I know enough about this kink and my desire to explore it?” if the answer is yes, then cool, make a plan to incorporate it into your next play session. If the answer is no, or you don’t feel as confident as you would like, then the next step is to do more research in order to understand this desire better.
How can you do this!? Well, Google exists for a reason, but I’d be careful what information you look at online, as it’s not always the right information. Porn is great for inspiration but not education. Do however, search for kink educators, such as myself, there are lots of us out there, believe it or not! And many different educators specialising in different areas of kink. Online workshops are something I offer which are very accessible and allow you to learn more in the comfort of your own home, plus you’ll get some kinky homework to takeaway and expand your learning.
However, there’s also a ton of free kink education out there too in the form of blogs, YouTube Videos, TikToks and more – again just do your research, and go off of reviews rather than following. Or if you fancy something more personal, you can hire a mentor or coach, again something I offer for individuals or couples, providing a safe space to discuss your goals and intentions and get some tailored education and guidance in those areas.
#5 Next Steps
And once you feel ready (although spoiler, you may never feel completely ready), you can SLOWLY, start exploring these new kinks. Take it slow and don’t try to do 10 new things in one go. Pick 1-3 activities, and spread them across a few weeks to allow yourself to dip your toes into it and really get a feel for it.
Your play sessions don’t have to be picture perfect and they won’t be. And this is where I will remind you again that BDSM doesn’t have to be so serious all the time – communicate, laugh, make mistakes and try again (as long as you’re using safewords and consent, it’s totally okay to be open to getting things wrong sometimes, we’re only human after all). Keep experimenting until you find your sweet spot and then layer new kinks on top of that – before you know it you’ll be living the kinky lifestyle you only once dreamed of!
And I know what you’re thinking. Sarah, is it really that easy? It really is, but the tricky part is the communication, so if you can remember that as one of the core foundations of building your kinky lifestyle, then you can never go too far off course.