Hurts so good: Navigating kink with chronic pain

Chronic pain is characterised as long-term pain that can sometimes be resistant to treatment, and can affect many aspects of a person’s life. It can be so intense that it affects mobility, energy levels, mood, and sometimes a person’s ability or desire to have sex.

However, this doesn’t mean that people with chronic pain can’t enjoy sex and kink – in fact, there’s a huge amount of people within the BDSM community that don’t let their pain limit their pleasure. Contrary to how most people perceive it, kink doesn’t revolve around inflicting and receiving pain: it’s about letting yourself feel vulnerable, exchanging power, and so much more. People with chronic pain can experience all of this by playing in a way that works for them. You and your partner can empower yourselves and each other by having control over what you explore together.

With this being said, pain play can actually be a way for those with chronic pain to reclaim control of sensations in the body. Unlike chronic pain, intentional pain within kink is controllable and can be switched off at any chosen moment. Switching up the intensity, location and type of pain encourages the mind to differentiate and categorise each sensation the body feels. 

BDSM doesn’t have to be all about pain!

For some, navigating sex and kink with chronic pain can lead to shame and anxiety. Chronic pain can affect a person’s confidence or libido, and they may feel guilty about how it can affect their romantic or sexual connections. However, chronic pain is nothing to feel ashamed of. Open communication is the best way to overcome your guilt and it’ll allow you to feel more comfortable asking your partner for adjustments and accommodations.

Talking about chronic pain with a partner can be difficult and sometimes feels awkward, but it’s important to help them understand how to support you. At the end of the day, kink is for the enjoyment of all partners involved. 

If you or your partner have chronic pain or low mobility, and you’re looking to explore BDSM without the pain play aspect, here are some ideas to prove that there’s more to kink than pain!

Sensual Kink 

Sensual kink is a great way help those with chronic pain reconnect with their bodies and refocus their mind. The release of hormones during sex, such as endorphins and oxytocin, can help your body to relieve pain and cope with stress. Additionally, kink with a focus on touch relaxes and slows the body down, which can feel therapeutic for everyone involved.

Massage increases sexual connection and can manage chronic pain. Slow intentional pressure on different parts of the body can relax tense muscles, so it’s perfect for melting anxiety and discomfort away. If you’re using massage as foreplay, consider using a massage oil to enhance relaxation, or if you’re incorporating massage into a sensual kink scene, why not use a massage candle for a bit of temperature play?

Similarly, sensory play encourages us to really think about the feelings and sensations in our bodies – something that’s beneficial for people with chronic pain. Sensory deprivation, including the use of blindfolds, can be an exciting way to force someone to focus their attention on what senses are being evoked and where the recipient can feel them. The possibilities here are endless as long as you can get creative, but some examples of sensory play include temperature play, tickling, applying different textures to the body, and even experimenting with ASMR.

The sensory aspect of bondage and rope play, especially shibari, can also be an interesting idea for those with chronic pain to engage in kink without the need for pain play. Being tied up forces the Submissive to concentrate on relaxing their body to the point of stillness, and it can take place in whatever position feels comfortable. There’s also lots of different mediums you can use to invoke different sensations: rough, strong rope can create rigid knots and constriction, meanwhile ribbon or silk can feel more gentle and less restrictive. 

Orgasm Control

Orgasm control, such as edging and denial, is a way to practice kink without the need for pain. Edging means bringing yourself or your partner right to the edge of an orgasm, then to suddenly stop, and this process can be repeated as many times as someone (or their partner) sees fit. The more times someone is edged, the longer and more intense their eventual orgasm will be.

Taking it a step further, denial is exactly what it sounds like: not allowing a partner to orgasm full stop. The frustration associated with someone else controlling your access to sexual pleasure can be a huge turn on, and doesn’t have to involve any movement or pain play. 

Psychological Power Play

It’s important to recognise that kink and power play dynamics don’t have to be enforced through the exchange of pain. For example, service-oriented Submissives enjoy providing sexual pleasure for their Doms and sometimes get off on completing non-sexual favours such as household chores, which can be great for Doms with low mobility due to chronic pain. Power can be asserted verbally, through degradation or praise depending on the type of play. Additionally, if a partner’s chronic pain prevents playing in person,  a Dom/Sub dynamic can be sustained online through dirty texts and video calls. 

But what if I am a masochist? How can i explore pain play if I’m already in pain?

What’s important to remember is the difference between chronic pain and the pain experienced during pain play is that one of them is a choice. You can choose to experience certain sensations through kink, and that’s part of what makes it pleasurable.

If you’d like to try out pain play with chronic pain, it’s always best to talk to your partner beforehand so the sensation, duration and type of activity can be negotiated in a way that works for you both. Whilst some people with chronic pain love to explore pain play, it’s not for everyone – and that’s okay!

Experimenting with different impact toys gives you the option to inflict varying types of pain, such as dull and thudding, or sharp and stinging. Alternatively, non-impactful pain can be inflicted through scratching, biting or applying pressure and weight to areas of the body. During play, verbally describing and categorising what different types of pain feels like can increase consciousness and comfort, which can help you figure out what feels best. 

Things you can do outside of scenes to prepare for play:

• • Timing: Schedule scenes on days where there’s nothing else that may cause exertion or flare ups, and make sure there’s enough time after a scene for extended aftercare.
  • Communication: Negotiate limits and boundaries with your play partner before a scene, as well as discussing what you’d like to achieve from your play. Are you looking for regular kink, intentional pain relief, or something to just take your mind off the pain? 
• Long term planning: If the pain is seriously starting to affect your wellbeing, there’s no shame in reaching out for extra help. Talk to health professionals about creating a long term plan for pain management. This could include pain medication, seeing mental health professionals and accessing specialised mobility or pain services. 

Things you can do to manage pain during scenes

• • Get comfortable: Be mindful and intentional about where and how you play. If you or your partner experience migraines, keep the lights low. If it’s joint or muscle pain, playing on softer surfaces (such as mattresses with thick quilts) and using pillows to adjust angles can help to support and position the body. If chronic pain is affecting how penetration feels, use lubricant and lots of foreplay to ease into play comfortably.
  • Safewording: Being able to directly communicate and adjust during a scene is particularly important for people with chronic pain. Make sure you and your partner are confident using a safeword or traffic light system, and agree on a plan of action for times when the pain or discomfort becomes too intense. To check in on your partner, you could ask them to describe their pain level on a scale 
• Aftercare: People who have chronic pain might require a little more aftercare to help them relax their bodies and regulate their senses. Aftercare varies around the needs of the individual, but should include physical and emotional relief. A hot bath or shower, a massage, hydration, and painkillers (if necessary) are perfect for physical relief. Talking about the scene and providing each other with reassurance can help stabilise your emotions, especially if it’s during a cuddle.

It’s so important to remember that chronic pain doesn’t have to rule your life. You can achieve sexual empowerment and rediscover your body through kink on your terms. Listen to your body, communicate your desires, and take it slow.