BDSM often gets misunderstood as something extreme that should be reserved for the dark corners of the internet, or rich businessmen (here’s looking at you, Christian Grey). But the truth is, BDSM encompasses a range of different kinks and practices that can be adopted by anyone.
While the BDSM community is very tight-knit, they are so welcoming, and when it comes to your sexuality and your kinks, there is no right and wrong. You can be into BDSM but not be into humiliation, you can be into BDSM but not like pain, you can be into BDSM but like to be both Dominant and submissive (switch). There are no rules except for the ones you set for yourself and your dynamic.
BDSM is often suggested by sex therapists to couples who are feeling they’re stuck in a rut, or have fallen out of love, and that is largely because BDSM allows you to become anyone you want to be without fear, shame or judgement, which can be great for reigniting passion and finding your true self. Those who practice BDSM are usually very happy and healthy because they’re able to express themselves completely in a sexual way, which is so beautiful.
This is not to say you have to start living a BDSM lifestyle or submitting to your partner’s every demand. There’s a lot we can learn from BDSM dynamics that can be adopted by those currently in vanilla relationships, and it’s not all about the kinky sex either. We can learn a lot from BDSM couples about relationships outside of the bedroom too. Here are 3 reasons to introduce BDSM into your relationship.
Enhanced communication
If you feel your relationship would benefit from better communication, BDSM can teach us a lot about getting closer to your partner and really understanding what it is they like and want – both in and out of the bedroom. A BDSM scene is often set out by rules and a mutual understanding of what is okay and not okay. While it can seem a little awkward at first, why not start using more communicative language in the bedroom such as “do you like that?” “does that feel good?” “do you want me to continue?” to try to understand your partner. It may seem so simple when put like this, but one thing BDSM couples have an advantage over vanilla couples is their ability to openly communicate what it is they want.
If you want actually try some forms of BDSM such as bondage, spanking, or role play, then you can also try discussing this outside of the bedroom and setting out a scene to try, so you can negotiate with your partner exactly what you’d both like to do. If you have no idea what you’ll like and dislike, try switching things up and see what feels good for you.
Better self-awareness
BDSM can also teach us a thing or two about getting to know ourselves sexually. If we don’t know what it is we want, and we can’t communicate that, then we really can’t expect our partners to know either. BDSM really encourages us to go within ourselves and explore our desires on a deeper level. In such a fast-paced world, sex can often become something we do on autopilot, rushing through it with one end goal in sight, but BDSM encourages you to slow things down, and often a climax doesn’t need to be the sole outcome of sex or a scene.
Take some time to really be in the moment. Make sure every touch, caress, kiss, stroke is done with intention. Set the scene, and really explore each other’s bodies, using the first tip about communication. If you are looking to reconnect with your partner, then often this takes some self-work from both of you and there’s not a quick fix. I am not saying that having more sex is the answer per se, but being present for yourself and your partner in many aspects of the relationship can help you better assess your wants and needs so that you can then communicate those needs to one another.
Reduced stress and anxiety
When was the last time you allowed yourself to be truly vulnerable in front of your partner? Many of us are carrying a lot with us that we don’t show, not even to our partners through fear of judgement or rejection, or simply not wanting to deal with the issue. BDSM can allow you to break down these walls and let go of any stress and anxiety you may be carrying in the real world. Whether you assume the role of Dominant or submissive, when you step into a scene you can forget about everything that’s going on in your life and simply focus on one thing- your partner. I have always referred to BDSM as a form of meditation, and it can clear your mind in many ways. The Dominant has a responsibility to the submissive for the duration of the scene, and the submissive only needs to think about the commands and actions of the Dominant.
While you don’t have to go as far as assuming these roles, trying some light bondage or practising tantric sex can be great physical acts to allow the mind to stop wandering. Again, this all comes down to being in the present moment and focusing on one thing. And why shouldn’t that one thing be yours and your partner’s pleasure?
Those are just a few reasons to introduce BDSM into your relationship. If you’re new to BDSM and would like to learn more about how you can introduce some of these things into your relationship or sex life, then book one of my upcoming workshops or contact me for details on private bookings. You can get in touch via my Instagram page.