A Guide to FemDom

Femdom, or female dominance, is all about women and femmes taking the lead in a BDSM power dynamic. Though there’s many different ways to practice a femdom dynamic, play mostly revolves around harnessing feminine energy to assert dominance, or exploring the masculinity associated with domination to affirm a Dominant role. There’s lots to explore within femdom, meaning every dynamic can be constructed in a unique and personal way. 

It’s vital that we challenge the narrow and normative ideas about femdom that are portrayed in mainstream media and porn. First off, anyone who aligns themselves with femininity, including cis and trans women, can be Dominants in a femdom dynamic, and many non-binary people find this label empowering too. The same goes for Submissives: there’s no rules about gender identity, and there’s no need for Submissives to ‘look’ a certain way in a femdom dynamic. As well as this, there’s a big difference between a Dominatrix (a pro-Domme), and a female Dominant (a Domme) – the first is a professional title, whilst the second is a non-professional role within BDSM

Why Dominants enjoy femdom

Dominants tend to enjoy femdom because it empowers them in more ways than one. Femdom rejects the idea that women have to be Submissive during sex or that they should prioritise male pleasure. Dommes will often reclaim their sexual power by demanding pleasure from male Subs or restricting their Sub’s pleasure. The subversion of gender expectations mixed with the authority gained from being in a Dominant role can make a woman feel sexually, physically and emotionally stronger. 

Why Submissives enjoy femdom

For male Submissives, their role within a femdom dynamic can act as respite from their social role and the expectations that come with maleness, which can also help them to challenge patriarchal ideas they face in daily life. It can be a chance for men to lose the ‘tough guy’ façade that’s expected of them so they can explore their submission and vulnerability without judgement from the outside world. Similarly, those questioning their gender might find aspects of femdom, such as sissy training, a way to experiment in a private, safe and encouraging space. In a more sexual context, male Subs can experience different types of pleasure on top of regular penetrative sex, including prostate stimulation, nipple stimulation and mental stimulation.

Different roles and dynamics associated with femdom

• Gentle femdom: Also known as soft femdom, gentle femdom tends to be slower and more affectionate than a lot of other BDSM dynamics. Steering away from punishment, gentle Dommes are more likely to use praise, reassurance and guidance to train their Subs. Scenes are usually very sensual with a focus on the Sub’s pleasure, and Dommes are more likely to assert their authority verbally rather than physically. 

• Hard Domme: Hard domming is the opposite of gentle domming. Though this role is pretty gender-neutral, female hard Dommes tend to have a different energy and approach to play than male Doms. In this kind of dynamic, Dommes often force their partners into Submission through physical restraint, pain play and humiliating punishments, which can overlap with fetish play.

• Mommy Domme: ‘Mommy’ is a role that’s usually associated with CG/L (Caregiver/Little) or other soft maternal power dynamics in BDSM. In CG/L dynamics, Mommies take on a nurturing and gentle role, using lots of praise to safely guide their age-regressor partners through little space. Mommy Dommes are usually non-sexual roles, but some partners choose to incorporate kink and sex into play. If you’d like to find out more about CG/L, check out ‘What is Age Play?’ for guidance.

• Key holders: Within  femdom, keyholders control their partner’s access to sexual pleasure by looking after the key to their chastity device and controlling the length of time it stays on. Dommes may do this to test their Sub’s obedience and dedication, or as a way to experiment with alternative types of pleasure.

• Appreciation roles: In appreciation dynamics, Subs (sometimes known as Slaves in this case) may refer to their Dommes with a title such as ‘Mistress’ or ‘Goddess’, and perform any services the Domme wishes to receive. Service can be related to the worship of the Domme, service topping and bottoming, or non-sexual practical tasks. You’re likely to come across appreciation roles in Total Power Exchange or 24/7 dynamics.

• Findommes: Findom, or financial domination, revolves around the exchange of money as a symbol of submission and devotion. Paypigs and finsubs often derive sexual pleasure from their Domme draining their bank account. Subs in findom dynamics might show their devotion through giving their Domme money, buying them gifts, or letting them control their finances. This role can often be paired with other Dominant roles depending on the vibe of the dynamic. 

• Sissy trainer: Sissies will often need a sissy trainer to support them during their feminization. During sissification, sissy trainers will physically and psychologically feminize their Subs.

Play and scenes you might find in a femdom dynamic 

Though play within a femdom dynamic might involve the typical activities associated with BDSM power dynamics, there are some specific scenes that you’re more likely to come across, some of which are often combined. Remember that even though these can be popular types of play, femdom scenes all depend on the individual’s kinks and preferences and what they’re comfortable with.

Forcefemming and sissification are very similar ideas that involve a Domme feminising a male Sub through methods such as makeovers, crossdressing, chastity training and hypnosis. These scenes can range from a gentle euphoric experience to humiliating CNC play, all depending on what’s been negotiated. Within femdom, you might also see CBT (cock and ball torture) scenes, small penis humiliation, cucking scenes, and the worship of a Domme’s body, such as their ass, feet or genitals.

Anal play and anal training can also be a big part of femdom dynamics, especially when a Submissive isn’t allowed access to their genitals. This type of play might include wearing butt plugs, using prostate toys and penetrative sex (or pegging). To build up to this, Dommes might anally train their Subs by gradually increasing the size of toys until their muscles are more adaptable. It’s also valid if people within femdom don’t enjoy the experience of penetrative sex – not all Submissives are bottoms, and not all Dominants are tops!

How to explore femdom

Because of the societal roles that we’ve been pushed into all our lives, it can sometimes feel like we’re forced to take on roles that correspond to this in BDSM. It can feel scary to venture out of what’s expected of our gender in kink, but I promise that experimentation and mindfulness helps us to find the dynamic that suits us best.

• If you’re a Dom: Ask yourself and your partner about why you’re interested in femdom and what you’d like to achieve from it. After negotiation, agree on a safeword and an aftercare process. Have a go at planning scenes by considering toys to use, outfits to wear, potential titles and kinks you’d like to try out together.
• If you’re a Sub:  It can be exciting to find a Domme, but don’t push yourself too hard to begin with. Experiment with different dynamics and roles until you find one that suits you best, then build up the intensity as you see comfortable. 

If you’re a Dominant or Submissive and femdom sounds like something you’d like to try out, it’s always best to ask your partner if they’d be into it before you start this style of dynamic. Some people are natural born Doms or Subs, and others like to switch between roles, so it’s important to investigate what power roles your partner feels comfortable with first. If you’re looking for a partner to explore femdom with, why not check out ‘The Best Kinky Networking Sites’ for advice on kinky dating? Remember to negotiate desires, boundaries and limits to make your play mutually consensual and satisfying.