Sub in the City

Online dating when you're kinky

Online dating when you’re kinky

Tinder, Hinge, Plenty of Fish – all platforms that fill me with dread. Online dating is awkward and tedious enough as it is, let alone online dating when you’re kinky. Trying to use these platforms to find someone who knows how to show a woman respect AND give her a good spanking when she’s being a little sassy is a minefield.

When exactly is it an appropriate time to bring up the fact you like being choked sexually and you’d quite like to be paraded around on a leash? While I am perfectly at ease with my kinks, one thing I’m not at ease with the amount of disrespectful and disingenuous responses you get from those who are in search of a “hit it and quit it” encounter.

I’ve tried many different approaches to online dating, from telling them I have ‘particular interests’, to casually sliding into conversation that I blog about BDSM, to very candidly adding the word “Submissive” or “BDSM” to my list of interests, just like Personal Trainers slide into their bio the fact they’re a PT, in a bid to find new clients if not someone to hop into bed with.

Throughout my online dating years I noticed that this very rarely attracts someone who truly understands what I’m talking about, and instead attracts one of three types of characters*. For anyone who has experienced the frustration of trying to explain your kinks to someone you’ve just met, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

*My experiences are as a female submissive seeking male Dominants. I am aware that these types of characters do not accurately represent the wider BDSM community, and I’m certain there are equivalent versions of female subs out there too!

1. The rookie

You’ll know this one straight off the bat. “I’m intrigued” is the catchphrase to watch out for. I can almost see their eyes light up at the thought of the intriguing kinky girl. Their response to hearing you’re kinky is usually “I’ve never done it before, but I’m definitely dominant”. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, I believe that If the dominant streak is there, sometimes it just takes a little teasing out of them, but having to direct a Dominant’s every move kind of detracts from the point of being submissive, and you have to be careful of the ones in it for the wrong reasons.

They show an interest in your kinks but when asked about theirs they just say “same”. Let’s get one thing straight, if someone can’t even communicate their desires verbally, they sure as hell won’t be able to deliver. They claim they love watching extreme hardcore BDSM porn, but they’ve never met someone who’s willing to try that stuff.

It’s most likely bullshit. This one has never so much as talked dirty to a woman. Don’t be fooled! While you may be tempted to give this one the benefit of the doubt, they’re mostly just in it for a bit of rough sex they can brag to their mates about. It usually ends up in a dissatisfying one-night stand where they can barely give a stern look let alone a good spanking. They’ll cum within the first few minutes and then most likely leave.

Back to the kinky drawing board.

2. The secret submissive

This one knows their stuff. You might think you’ve hit the jackpot with this one! They understand online dating when you’re kinky: the trust, the respect, the boundaries. Perhaps a little too much. This is when they reveal they’re a sub. Cue wave of disappointment on both parts. But you continue chatting anyway, because it’s nice to meet someone who really gets what you’re talking about. This is when they ask, “would you ever switch?” (a switch is someone who likes to mix up the roles between Dom and sub).

Now, no disrespect to switches (you get double the pleasure, double the pain, you’re winning at life), but this is instantly a no-go for me. While I can appreciate how a switch can make a great Dom due to the fact they’ve been on the other side and know what it’s like to sub, as someone who is 100% submissive through and through, I just feel that a potential relationship with a switch would be slightly unfair because I would never want to Dom.

Put it this way, unless I am being paid to stomp on some random guy’s balls or you’re someone I genuinely dislike and want to inflict pain upon, I would get absolutely no gratification from taking the reins.

While many switch’s often sway towards one role or the other depending on the partner they’re with, I’d always be curious as to whether they miss the other side, and I’d feel guilty for not being able to offer them that.

Next.

3. The fake Dom

Sadly this one is all too common in the world of online dating when you’re kinky, and it’s this character that gives the BDSM community a bad rep! They will likely be super-hot – and know it. They may even indicate in their profile that they’re into kink. I usually know where this is going but my curiosity takes over.

They’ll slide into your DM’s with something like “Hi sub”, and immediately demand you address them as your Master. DO NOT ENTERTAIN THIS TYPE. Clearly they don’t understand that one of the major foundations of BDSM, and online dating for that matter, is trust and respect. If they can’t even be bothered to get to know the real you for one millisecond, then don’t you even think about getting on your knees for them (okay you probably will think about it, because they’re hot AF, but don’t fall into the dicksand- that stuff is toxic).

These types are also real sharks for new or young submissives in the online dating world. Don’t fall for their bullshit. Remember you own your kink, you set your boundaries and there is no competition in this community. You do not need to send nudes to prove you’re a ‘real sub’ – a real dominant will respect your body, your boundaries and your limits, anyone else is simply looking for a cheap thrill, and you, my dears, are worth so much more than that.

So how do you go about online dating when you’re kinky?

My advice is to proceed with caution. Be upfront and unashamed of your kinks but remember that when it comes to online dating, everyone is trying to impress. So if you’re unsure if they’re genuine or not, it’s usually best to trust your instincts. Take the time to get to know them, and don’t feel pressured into moving so quickly or compromising on your kinks for someone you just met. If they don’t want to respect your boundaries, or they simply don’t “get” you, that’s okay.

Not everyone is like these examples, so don’t lose all hope just yet. Remain patient and trust the process. I was always told that I was searching for a needle in a haystack, but you must remember that your kinks will evolve throughout your journey and you will find someone who aligns with your preferences. And when you do, continue to take it slowly and really feel comfortable with someone before taking the next steps.

If you’re new to BDSM, check out my Beginners Guide to BDSM and keep an eye out for my latest workshops.

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